The 10 Retardedest Inventions In Snowboarding

Snowboarding sure has evolved over the years.  From snowboards made out of plywood and maple syrup to snowboards made by laser guided robots.  One thing is for sure…there’s been no shortage of innovation.

Here’s a list of The 10 Retardedest Inventions In Snowboarding:

Leashes

Blame lawyers, insurance companies.  Or both.  As pointless as a stomp pad, shred gave in to this false sense of safety in order to access a ski lift.  Thankfully enforcement seems to have mellowed out in last few years (Crystal Mountain).  I’ve seen more skis rocketing downhill than unmanned snowboards.

I have nightmares about catching one in the teeth.

Bugz

Wow…these things were so fucking ugly.  Not sure if these came from grunge, ravers, competitive swimmers, or sunny southern Cal.  Regardless…there’s no way these mid-90’s weirdo goggs could have actually worked.

Imagine running these in a blizzard??

Mambosoks

LOL. Someday this trend will make a comeback. I will not partake.  Like a reservoir tipped shred beanie without the reservoir, Mambosoks ran rampant back in the 90’s.

(Thx KK)

Baseless Bindings

My response to baseless bindings can be summarized by the Most Interesting Man In The World’s take on rollerblading. See video:

Clickers (and all other step-in bindings)

When these things hit the market a bunch of friends and i were working at the Ski Acres rental shop. They made our lives significantly easier by getting gear/people out the door quicker so we could focus on drinking on the clock.  But i’m pretty sure most of those people had a shitty experience with their (likely) 1st time snowboarding.  Horrible fitting boots and horrible board control. I still see a few dudes running these things at Alpental.

Leg Saver

I remember seeing this in an ad way back in some mid 90’s Transworld. I’ve never seen anyone actually using one of these contraptions and am glad. …Cause i made a vow to push whoever i saw wearing one off the lift.

Velcro

Fuck this shit. Velcro + snow = bullshit. All you outerwear designers out there…please use magnets. Example of a proper jacket w/magnets here: LINK :)

Stomp Pads

How many times you been riding the green chair hitting on teenagers and you see some beginners getting off the lift and topple like bowling pins?  You can see it coming from a mile away. They all have stomp pads i guarantee. Pointless.

Tindy

Easily the ugliest board grab you can do.  Regardless, if you have to grab tindy, do it with conviction.  Bone that shit out–like this kid right here.  Board grab in any other location to avoid ridicule.

Good luck.

Bloggin

The internet is littered with idiots who feel the need to write badly about snowboarding. 7th Grade writing skills, mispelled words everwhere, shitty grammar, etc.

Some people have too much time on their hands.

Ass Pads

If you runnin these you a dummy. Here’s why:

  • If you doing shit where you thinking you need ass pads then you shouldn’t be doing it.
  • You getting a swampier crotch than normal snowboardering.
  • Imagine the nastiness that is livin in your ass pads–piss+shit+sweat+farts? Gross.

Low Back Binders

These look painful. How the fuck you sposed to turn heel side?  When these bindings began to catch on…shreds were looking for more of a skatey feel which was weird..cause at the time snowboard boots were so shitty that they might as well have been Sorels. I remember people just taking their high backs off. Seen a few dude sans high backs recently. Maybe i missing out.

Tall Tees

I’m all for “look good/feel good/ride good”.   But Tall Tee’s are the opposite.  They would be something like “look retarded/feel like a clown/ride badly”.  Ever see a dude with a Tall Tee on a pow day? Reminds me of this:

Keep an eye out for nwBroweather’s Top 10 Bestest Inventions in Snowboarding!

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