If Northwest Ski Areas Were An 80′s Maniacal Villain

By
drexnefex
– January 10, 2011

The other day while chillin, watching the Dark Crystal, i got to thinking…what kind of 80′s maniacal villain do Northwest Ski Areas most resemble?!

Here’s what i came up with.

ps – this makes no sense!

Alpental

Alpental is funner than shit.  Except for the weekends–then it turns into an ugly beast.  45 minute waits while watching people rip apart the hill gets weekend warriors riled up.  It’s not uncommon to witness trash talking, lift line snowball battles, and the occasional fight.  Lift line navigation technique is crucial.  People ditch friends, girlfriends, coworkers because they weren’t on point.  Chair 2 lift line is savage–every man for himself.

Villain:  the big ugly helmet dude from Mad Max

Movie Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hQC3nkftrk

Why ride there:

  • You’re patient and can endure 45 min lift lines for <5 minutes of downhill time.
  • You can rip up there after work.
  • You’re core.  Natural, steep, ballz out terrain terrain is all you have time for.

Hyak

Hyak is unique.  holy oly.  It gets different snow that the other Snoqualmie ski areas, different terrain, and different people.  For example: they allow snow-shoers to load the chair.  This makes the chair stop every 15 seconds.  They wreck getting on/off the chair and get mad when you spear-chuck them when they fall in front of you.   Also, watch out for natural disasters.  HOLY OLY.

Villain:  David Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China

Movie Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQTp5BL5MMU

Why ride there:

  • You’re not patient and can’t endure 45 min lift lines at Alpental.
  • You’ve convinced yourself that Hyak is “not that flat.”
  • You like to hose the XC skiers, and snow-shoers for slowing down the lift all day.

Snoqualmie

Snoqualmie (Summit West) has been a ski area since 1933.  It’s old.   In the ~77 years Snoqualmie has been operating it’s gone through 5 different ownerships.  The one thing that has stayed constant:  The bathrooms smell like stair case piss.

Villain:  those evil chicken things in The Dark Crystal

Movie Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjpg-DHzvjM

Why ride there:

  • Because you’re lazy.
  • It’s close to home and you can rip up there after work.
  • You grew up here.

Crystal Mountain

Crystal has a bit of an affluence about.  There’s a fancy new lodge, and an expensive Gondola.  There’s a bunch of crazy-ass, rich, old white dudes don’t care much for snowboarders.  They will gang up on you here if you get out of line.  The ski patrol is more like the fun police.  Leashes mandatory.  Stay on the ground punk.

Villain: Gene Simmons in Runaway

Movie Clip:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9zzHnRYxtc

Why ride there:

  • It’s elegant.
  • There’s hardly any snowboarders.
  • Magnificent views of Mt Rainier.

Stevens Pass

In 1910 an avalanche took out a train killing 96 people at Stevens Pass.  Tragic.  More tragic is each morning, half the parking lot at Stevens is filled with lowered Honda/Subarus or lifted Toyota/Ford trucks blaring the shit-music that they play on 93.3 and MTV.  Still, Stevens Pass has a really good park with perfect jumps and handles crowds well.

Villain: That freaky half clown face guy in the Toxic Avenger

Movie Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyDm_gNkaTo

Why people ride there:

  • You’d rather ride mediocre terrain rather than deal with 45 minute lift lines.
  • Better snow.
  • You need a semi-legit park to practice double corks.

Mt Baker

Mt. Baker is sick.  The terrain is insane.  They get a lot of snow.  So much in fact that it makes the terrain flat.  36 inches of new sucks c&b’s on anything under a 3o degree slope which Baker is full of.  Everyone who rides Baker rips and has a bigger back leg than front–akin to this.

Villain:  That weird snake sorcerer dude from Conan the Barbarian

Movie Clip:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewtRyJ2GPaw

Why ride there:

  • Cause you go to college in Bellingham and don’t mind your GPA dipping down a little in the winter.
  • You’ve grown tired of weaving hemp bracelets for you quilt-skirt wearing hippy friends and need to recreate.
  • Baker is sick as fuck.

Timberline

Timberline is an amazing place.  The view alone is worth checking out–take your mom up there for lunch.  The Timberline Lodge was built in the late 1930′s during the Great Depression and is a National Historic Landmark.  In the winter the upper mountain is a white out half the time.  In the summer there’s fun slushy kickers and U-jumps.  Skiers show up in droves to practice going fast and look extra fruity.

Villain: Jack Nicholson (obviously).

Movie Clip:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TVooUHN7j4

Why ride there:

  • Snowboarding is fun, but as long as there’s nothing too steep.  You’re a solid intermediate ripper.
  • Snowboarding is fun, but you only ride park.
  • It’s a hair closer to PDX than Meadows.

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