My man Swappy got me thinking the other day about shred contests… Even though that Ride Shakedown was one of the fresher* one’s i’ve checked in a while, seems like snowboard contests in general could use a little more rad.
How sick would it be to create your own contest?! You come up your own corporate sponsors, contest format, prizes, glory, reasons for failure, etc. Regardless that i have zero event planning experience and am pretty much clueless…here goes.
Corporate Sponsors:
Mikey’s Malt Liquor – Let’s be adults here, PBR and Oly both give everyone bubble guts. Solution? Mickey’s malt-liquor. Hey now, quit whining cool-guy, it actually tastes good. Bonus: There’s riddles in the bottle caps!
The Sultan Bakery – I want to eat Maple Bars and Apple Cups during the contest. And so do you.
Roxy/Element/Nikita/etc. - Donuts and malt liquor might scare carb conscious girls away. And since girls don’t poop, a donut/beer sponsorship could be extra scary. Regardless, no one likes a snowboarding contest with nothing but dudes. A Girly sponsorship would get some ladies up there. More ladies = Funner Party. Free stickers!
Contest Format:
Anyone can enter. Basically everyone against everyone. No age, class, ability breakdown….that’s the only true test of might. If you’re a grown ass man and get beat by an 8 year old it might be time to hang it up. If you ride 8 days a week and get beat by some part time Weekend Warrior you suck and should be heckled. When the contest is over there will be no question of who rips.
Round 1 – Build a kicker. Contestants will be judged on the shape and cleanliness of their kicker. Too much Wu? Not enough Tang? You’re out. Move along.
Round 2 – Methods. Hit the kicker you just built and do a method. If your method is deemed weak, you’re out. Single elimination. Don’t give an F if you can huck double 10′s. No method, no style, beat it. Examples of weak methods: grabbing in front of front binding, wonky back-leg bonage, retarded facial expressions, mid-air bitch screams, not landing (LOL).
Round 3 – Big Air/Roman Candle Gantlet. Contestants will drop on kicker. Spectators will line the drop-in route armed with roman candles. Contestants will be required to endure roman candle fire fight, successfully throw, and land an aerial maneuver. Contestants who catch on fire are disqualified. A bonus prize of 1 case of Mickey’s Malt Liquor will be awarded to spectators who are able to “take out” riders with roman candle blast. Best trick wins as declared by judges.
Images Courtesy of imaginary 2nd grade alter-ego.
Contest Judges:
Snowskaters - Former rippers who don’t snowboard anymore. If you fall, check, or revert they will give you 0 points. Even if everything else before the landing was rad. Hint: clean style will appease.
Me - Contest Judges always get free/all you can drink beer. Who wouldn’t want to be doing that?! I’m slightly dyslexic so i figure being drunk might help me figure out if you spun frontside/backside, or switch/regular. I like to judge people too.
The Audience – Roman gladiator style thumbs up/thumbs down. Possibly a sound meter. Yay or Nay?! Here’s where those hucky triple spin-whirls might help you out.
Prizes:
3rd Place – Nothing.
2nd Place – Nothing.
1st Place – Winner takes all. First place ripper obviously rips. He or she (probably he) gets all the loot.
Music:
We keep this shiit local. To hit full spectrum we get music that will stoke out heshers, suburban white gangstaz, and those old dudes. What kind of music could possibly work for all shred types? Excellent question bro. Answer: Seattle’s DJ Mullet. Rap, Metal, 80′s power ballads, etc. It goes well with Mickey’s Malt Liquor. Done.
Misc Notes:
Mandatory no helmets. Also, contestants will be patted down to make sure they’re not wearing any of those sissy impact shorts or shin guards or whatever. Automatic disqualification if found. If you’re scurd to throw down without armor you shouldn’t be throwing down.
Jessie B. will co-announce the contest cause he says weird shiit and makes fun of people when they wreck. Mike P. will also co-announce the contest after a pre-game flip cup tournament thereby ensuring a healthy buzz. Announcing will be equally as entertaining as event. See video below:
Anyways…that would be a pretty rad contest. I’d go.
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all time
[x] I would go
Two round 2′s needs a solution, as well as the judging – specific to the audiance methodology. Outside of that, genius, very well planned.. you on pain pills or just have a lot of time on your hands?
needs a venue, dj’s need power, but generator fixes that.. open space with easy access for jump building is easy to find past the 19th. dare to dream..
Got the dbl round 2 typo. Pills? Free time? Nah I just crack away at most of these post for a couple weeks.
I think there needs to be a category for best poacher. Nothing feels better than watching people work hard on a jump then bombing it without permission.
this contest sucks….. the ultimate contest already went down in '99 the original tex games…. The 'extreme' contest off hemis… elf chutes into the canyon… then off to mikes house… PoP… Boxing… ghost riding…. mud … truck tug of war… . bandidos stealing all the money… .. this contest is g4y… …. your a decade late to the party.
girls do poop, that shit stinks too…
well, i must admit the roman candle part is pretty cool….. good job